With her last growth spurt, Zinashi exited the baby and toddler size range and is now solidly a size six. Over the weekend, I went through the tub of her old clothes that we had stored at my parents house, and I was astounded at how small they were. I knew that she was little when we first came for her; I remember how compactly she would curl up in my lap. But it is still a shock to hold up the first soft pants we put her in and and understand the difference between then and now. It won't be long before Elvie will be able to wear those pants.
I don't know why that makes me feel like crying, but it does. I suppose it's thinking of her, so small, with her grief still fresh, with her eyes so hopeful anyhow. I think that I will always miss those days with her in Addis. I will always want to go back and live that over again, savor it all. The jammies really did me in - I found my favorite pair, and I remember zipping them up over her little body, after lotion and before we all laid down together so she coud kick me for a little while to make sure I was still there before she went to sleep. How did the time fly by so quickly? How did she get so big?
It has been a challenge to find clothes for her in her new size that I feel are appropriate. Maybe I'm just an old curmudgeon, but I am of the opinion that six years old is still an age that still falls into the category of little, and I want my growing girl to dress like it. I don't want her in a miniature version of a teenager's outfit. I don't want her wearing shoes with heels. Childhood is fleeting, and I don't want to push her out of it before it's time. I don't mind if she plays dress up with things for grown women - little girls have done this since the dawn of time - but I do mind if she thinks that these things are for every day.
So I've been combing eBay for Mini Boden deals and waiting for the best sales on other brands that don't aim to give my six-year-old a woman's silhouette. I've resigned myself to spending more for shoes, because there is a shocking gap between little girl Mary Jane shoes and women's Mary Jane shoes. Why the shoe makers believe that by the smallest bit of growth of her foot, a little girl can suddenly keep her shoes on better without a strap to keep them there is beyond me.
And of course Zinashi sees these things in her size and wonders why I won't let her have them. I simply tell her that while she is a little girl, she should be allowed to stay a little girl, that dressing like she is older will only be uncomfortable and inconvenient and, let's just be real here, less cute. I don't want it all to seem like forbidden fruit, but I do want to protect her childhood. Clothes are just the smallest part of that, but they do matter. And I guess if thinking that and acting on it as a mother makes me an old curmudgeon, then I'll accept and embrace that with open arms.
