Monday, September 5, 2011
Zinashi has suddenly decided that she's a big girl. I like it, but I don't. It's nice that she can dress herself and go to the bathroom all by herself, and it's absolutely fantastic that she feels confident enough that she doesn't need us to help her so that she'll feel secure in her place in our family. At the same time, I miss her babyness. I know she came to us at three years old, but she was so small, and she needed so much, and she was very much our little baby. Minus the need for diapers and potty training, thank heaven for seven-eleven.
One thing I really needed to happen before we started our adoption process again was for Zinashi to be able to do more for herself and to feel okay about doing it. I have no doubt that she has been capable for quite some time of doing the things that she does now, but she needed to be babied until she was ready to do it herself. She needed to be allowed to rely on us in myriad ways so that she could be sure of who we are, and who she is. Parents and child. Large and small*. The caretakers and the one to whom care is given. Zinashi was forced to bear at a very young age that which would make any adult crumble, and I think it used up a lot of her. When I think about how well she is doing at just shy of a year in our arms, it amazes me. So much loss for someone so small, and yet here she is, asking when she will be able to read "all self" and taking it upon herself to go outside with a damp cloth and start wiping down the car. She has come a long way.
So we are starting again, and it's all her fault for being so grown up all of a sudden. What gives me peace about beginning the search for our next girl, even when life is in limbo in so many other ways, is looking at her and knowing that she is ready. And if she can be ready, after all this year has wrought, then so can I.
*If you don't have this book, you should get it. Zinashi and I are dressing up as Large and Small for Halloween. We are even going to try to make her a little chicken pull toy just like Small has in the book. We're not sure what Jarod's going to be, but in several of the illustrations, there are sheep, so we think that might be a good option.
Posted by Mary at 9:29 PM