"Tell me," she says, "about when you and Ababi were coming to get me. When you were in America, before you were on the plane, tell me."
"Okay," I say, "We had packed all our bags - I started early, because I wanted to make sure we brought everything we needed and that everything we brought for you was just right - and we went to the airport. We took two planes. The first plane ride was short, and the second one was long."
"When we landed in Addis Ababa, you were already asleep, so we went to the guest house and went to sleep. Then we got up in the morning, and we ate breakfast."
"Then we went outside, and we said, 'When can we go see Zinashi?' and Fiker said, 'Now if you want' and we said, 'Yes please!' So we got in Amara's machina, and he drove us to the gates of the House of Hope, and honked his horn. Someone opened the gate so he could drive in, and we saw you standing right there by the driveway, all by yourself. Fiker opened the door to the machina, and I got out and knelt down in front of you, but not very close so that you wouldn't be afraid. 'Selam, Zinash,' I said, and you looked up and away, pretending not to hear me. 'Zinash, nay,' I said, and then you came, and I picked you up and hugged you."
Meeting Zinashi from Mary McBride on Vimeo.
"Then we went upstairs together - you, me, and Ababi - and we played and held you on our laps."
"Then Tsegay and Almaz came and said it was time for lunch, and that we could take you back with us to the guest house if we wanted. We said yes, and you were with us all the time after that."
...
Zinashi has been asking to hear the story of how we decided to adopt her pretty much every day lately. It seems we go through phases where things are really good, where she feels secure and is not using behaviors to act out her fear, and just when I think we've got it down, it all falls apart. Telling her story is part of putting things back together again. She needs to hear, over and over again, that we chose her, that we wanted her in our family, that we were excited to meet her and thrilled that she got to be with us forever right away, as soon as we met.
She does little things to test us every single day. Will we do what we say every time? If we slip up and do something we said we wouldn't, or if I tell her something will happen a certain way and don't tell Jarod, and he does it a different way, she panics. Because if we do something differently than the way we said we would do it, then what if the part where we said we would be family forever ends up changing, too?
So every day we are proving to her that we are here forever. We are proving that we wanted her from the first moment we saw her photo on our computer screen and that we still want her now, even if she makes the worst choices she could possibly make, on purpose. We aren't going anywhere. We love her to pieces, forever. She will never have to wait for a new family again. The bulk of the work that we do as her parents is centered around this. She tests, and we prove. Every single day, for as long as it takes. It might take awhile. That's okay. She's worth it.
"Okay," I say, "We had packed all our bags - I started early, because I wanted to make sure we brought everything we needed and that everything we brought for you was just right - and we went to the airport. We took two planes. The first plane ride was short, and the second one was long."
"When we landed in Addis Ababa, you were already asleep, so we went to the guest house and went to sleep. Then we got up in the morning, and we ate breakfast."
"Then we went outside, and we said, 'When can we go see Zinashi?' and Fiker said, 'Now if you want' and we said, 'Yes please!' So we got in Amara's machina, and he drove us to the gates of the House of Hope, and honked his horn. Someone opened the gate so he could drive in, and we saw you standing right there by the driveway, all by yourself. Fiker opened the door to the machina, and I got out and knelt down in front of you, but not very close so that you wouldn't be afraid. 'Selam, Zinash,' I said, and you looked up and away, pretending not to hear me. 'Zinash, nay,' I said, and then you came, and I picked you up and hugged you."
Meeting Zinashi from Mary McBride on Vimeo.
"Then we went upstairs together - you, me, and Ababi - and we played and held you on our laps."
"Then Tsegay and Almaz came and said it was time for lunch, and that we could take you back with us to the guest house if we wanted. We said yes, and you were with us all the time after that."
...
Zinashi has been asking to hear the story of how we decided to adopt her pretty much every day lately. It seems we go through phases where things are really good, where she feels secure and is not using behaviors to act out her fear, and just when I think we've got it down, it all falls apart. Telling her story is part of putting things back together again. She needs to hear, over and over again, that we chose her, that we wanted her in our family, that we were excited to meet her and thrilled that she got to be with us forever right away, as soon as we met.
She does little things to test us every single day. Will we do what we say every time? If we slip up and do something we said we wouldn't, or if I tell her something will happen a certain way and don't tell Jarod, and he does it a different way, she panics. Because if we do something differently than the way we said we would do it, then what if the part where we said we would be family forever ends up changing, too?
So every day we are proving to her that we are here forever. We are proving that we wanted her from the first moment we saw her photo on our computer screen and that we still want her now, even if she makes the worst choices she could possibly make, on purpose. We aren't going anywhere. We love her to pieces, forever. She will never have to wait for a new family again. The bulk of the work that we do as her parents is centered around this. She tests, and we prove. Every single day, for as long as it takes. It might take awhile. That's okay. She's worth it.
That sums it up exactly, what our kids do. Good post.
ReplyDeleteThis brought me to tears. Not only are you good parents, but amazing people.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, because I had to do this with my stepdaughter, and my natural born kids, who don't have the reasons Zinashi does to feel that way. I can't even imagine if they did. How lucky Zinashi is to have a family that understands this basic need in us all.
ReplyDeleteWhy oh why did I click on that video? I guess I wanted a good cry! Parenting our kids is so unique and tender. I am so glad to read of similar experiences like this one! Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteWhile it's not something you can use for now (due to her age) I do feel that this blog will show how deep and true your love for you little girl was from before you met her and since then.
ReplyDeleteReading through your archives you can sense the love and excitement before you got to meet her and the joy she's brought to your lives.
You've been respectful of her privacy but open about your love and I think this will be a lovely story for her to have in years to come.
Perhaps you have already done this, but perhaps a custom shutterfly story book would be helpful. The story of finding Zinashi. It can have the pictures and the words in it that she needs to hear. It will be a book she can hold. You can read it to her. She can flip through it and see the pictures whenever she wants even when you can't read it.
ReplyDeleteYou could also make a similar book for Elvie.
After all, who doesn't like to hear their own story? You could also put some pictures in of Zinashi doing things that you think are lovable about her. The things she does really well that make you love her so much. Being gentle with the cat, taking care of Elvie, her wonderful fashion sense, being silly, having a great imagination, playing, dancing, hugging, walking. Affirmations. If she needs them, continue finding creative ways to give them to her.
I love this post so much.
ReplyDeleteSo well written. So right on. Thank you =)
ReplyDeleteThis is the most heartbreaking, hearthealing! So much tenderness and love and learning for all of you everyday. So many prayers.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, just beautiful. And it made me cry! She is so lucky x
ReplyDeleteYou make me cry, in a good way! Beautiful post. Beautiful family!
ReplyDeleteYep, every day. At breakfast today, Yosi piped up and asked 'can I stay in our family forever?' Yes, love, yes forever and ever. It needs constant affirmation in so many ways. Love this post, so well stated.
ReplyDelete